THE FUNNY BONE PLOT
THE FUNNY BONE PLOT
When narrative takes a backseat to walls of dialogue.
“Hey, Burt. Guess what?”
“What is it, Bart?”
“I was down by the pier, having a casual smoke when I found a crate in the bay lapping by the shore. Curious, I rolled up my hems, waded through, and fished it out. Snatching a crowbar I found along the quay, I opened the crate. And of all the things in the world, do you know what I saw?”
“Gosh, Bart. What did you see?”
“Nothing!”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. Zip. Empty. So, after a show of frustration, I gave the crate a nice shove with my foot and watched it float back into the bay. When I reached for another smoke, I heard myself mutterin’ words as if my mouth had sprung a leak!”
“You’re kidding!”
“I kid you not, Burt! My gums flapped their little hearts away, giving me an ache in my jaw like nobody’s business. And boy, these lips never stopped. I tried to light another smoke, but my cigarette kept falling from a pair o’ lips that refused to shut!”
“Bart, that’s the craziest thing I’ve heard all day! Whaddeah think it was?”
“No idea, but some joker’s gonna get a pair o’lips of their own, fatter than a Punchinello in a burlesque sideshow! It coulda been a ghost. It coulda been a curse. It coulda been an alien from a godforsaken universe. No matter what, this fella’s gonna end up with a face flatter than an ironing board!”
“I see your condition never stopped…”
“It never stopped. I’m a-yammerin’ and a-hollarin’ with no end in sight! Everyone gawked at me like I was a batty old crone just thrown from her rocker. I was that turkey ambling down the street with a trap runnin’ faster than a hypersonic transport. A wise guy came up to me and asked if I’d just came back from a séance.”
“Why’s that, Bart?”
“Because my gift of the gab was enough to raise the dead!”
“Did you, Bart?”
“What? No! But my lips puckered every time I waltzed on by a cemetery.”
“Why’s that?”
“Why? So I ended up whistlin’ past the graveyard! They say it's the only way to keep the Reaper away.”
“What did you do after that?”
“Well, I was down on my luck, so I went to the bar just around the corner, and when I tried to take a shot of some good ol’ Jack Daniels half of it ran up my nose on account of my mouth was closed half the time! When I went to the diner across the street, I ordered myself a chili dog, but every time I tried to take a bite out of it, I spouted and whistled to the dame on the opposite end of the aisle. The bigger problem? Her boyfriend was sitting right beside her!”
“Gee, Bart, he must’ve been awful sore!”
“Was he ever! The palooka snorted and scraped the ground like I waved a red flag right before his eyes, then charged at me.”
“Oh, no, Bart. What did you do?”
“What did I do? I sat there long enough to be part of the menu. Today’s special: Bart a la mode! No, Burt. I hightailed it outta there with enough dust behind me to bury Los Angeles. I ran so fast, the patrons thought I just robbed the First National Bank!”
“Boy! I’d say that was a close one!”
“I’ll say! My lips ran so fast, I used them instead of my feet! I babbled so loudly heads popped from every window in town. The congregants from every church gathered outside to observe what they thought was the Second Coming! Every librarian shushed me before they even heard me! The authorities complained I had violated the local noise ordinance. I told ‘em there weren’t any in the district I was in, but they said it came into effect on account of me!”
“Heavens have mercy!”
“Mercy my ear! No one had any mercy on me. And so, I kept babbling away, cursed to utter every stream of consciousness scrolling through my brain!”
“That must've been a nightmare!”
“Whaddeah think I was dreamin’ about? Dames from Heaven? I thought I died and reincarnated as a typewriter clickety-clackin’ away in the office!”
“That must’ve been hard on your teeth, Bart.”
“Yeah! I looked in the mirror an’ watched ‘em crack and crumble outta my mouth!”
“Gee, Bart, you must’ve been pretty loud.”
“So loud I peeled the paint off of every building under the housing authority. Not only that, but they even sent me the bill and told me next time I’d end up paying for the yearly insurance on top!”
“How much did they charge?”
“The premium! I’m sure they took a few liberties an’ tacked on an extra digit or two for good measure. I was so loud, wherever I walked the zoning board re-designated it for airspace. I was so loud, the boomboxes told me to shut up!”
“I’m sorry you had to go through such a racket, Bart. Was that all?”
“’Was that all?’ he asked. No! I was so loud, the fire department mistook me for a siren. And if that didn’t burn me up enough, when they searched for the fire, they put me out!”
“Is that why you're all sopping wet?”
“Yeah, genius. That's why I'm all soppin’ wet! It just so happened I walked past an army base, and the recruiter was so impressed with how loud I was, he asked if they could use me in place of an LRAD!”
“A what, Bart?”
“A sonic weapon. Shoots high-frequency bursts at the enemy!”
“Really?”
“Really. You shoulda seen those rioters burnin’ down the city. The police just aimed my head and away I blabbed. Sent those crazy hooligans in a tizzy! They scattered faster than a wet mackerel outta water.”
“Wow! What else did they do with you, Bart?”
“Keep your shorts on; I’m getting’ to that! Anyway, they were so impressed with the results, they shipped me overseas and threw me on the border smack-dab right in the middle of an invasion!”
“Oh, no, Bart! Were you okay?”
“Sure, I was. Couldn’t say the same for the invaders! They toppled over like a row of dominoes!”
“Wow, Bart! Even I’m impressed!”
“I’ll say! I prattled away so much, when I looked at the streets they started to shake. It registered a 4.5 on the Richter scale!”
“You mean that was you who caused the earthquake this morning? I was shaving, Bart!”
“Sorry to hear that, Bert. I can see the nick on side of your cheek.”
“Ouch! Don’t touch it, Bart. That band aid’s fresh!”
“Well, excuuuse me! Oh, and by the way, that reminds me. A news agency heard all about the hubbub and got in touch with me. They said that I made artificial intelligence obsolete. All I had to do was look at the prompts and let nature run its course!”
“Congratulations on the job, Bart! That’s great news.”
“Not really. The first headline I recited had my name all over it! I was on every front page, the talk of the town, platforms, shadow-cache, and all. I was mentioned so much the platforms canceled me! They said I was way too toxic and offended their fragile little egos. They even threatened to cancel the agency that hired me.”
“Gee, Bart. Did you tell them to shove it?”
“When you’ve got connections to the Pentagon, they can shove anybody around, including shoving me out of a job!”
“That's terrible!”
“I'll say. I was so distraught, I went to grab another cigarette only to forget that I was yakkity-yakking the whole time. When it fell on the sidewalk, a cop ran up and handed me a ticket for littering!”
“How inauspicious, Bart!”
“If that wasn’t enough, he also cited me for disturbing the peace!”
“That must’ve hurt the wallet. And you still haven’t found a way to put the kibosh on that mouth of yours?”
“Proof’s in the pudding. Why do ya think I’m talkin’ to you right now? Through a moment of silence? I just wanna find that whippersnapper who did this to me and clobber ‘im one!”
“I’m right there with you, Bar––”
“Clobber ‘im one, eh?”
“Bart, who said that? Your lips moved, but it didn’t sound like you!”
“Well, whoddeah think said that? The tooth fairy––?”
“Oh, quit that chatter box o’ yours already!”
“Pardon me, Bart, but were you addressing me or yourself?”
“No, you idiot––oof! Not you—ugh!”
“You’re actin’ like somebody socked you in the gut, Bart!”
“Yeah, ya think––Hey what gives? I feel like somethin’s tryin' to bust outta m—”
“Gang way!”
“Bart, was that you or a ghost?”
“Of course, it’s not me, you nincum––oh, no! Aaagh!”
“What is it, Bart? Speak to me! You look blue in the face––now, wai…wait a minute. Who––what’s that coming out of your mouth, Bart? It looks like a technicolor rainbow!”
“Mrrbghllrrrggghh—!”
“Looks like I had enough fun for today.”
“Wait. You’re not Bart! Who are you?”
“I’m the one this pudgy little dimwit said he wanted to clobber…and, to quote, ‘Give me a pair o' lips fatter than a Punchinello at a burlesque sideshow!’ And after all the time I spent floating around in that crate, for Pete's sake. Name’s Chusty, by the way. I’m what you might call a living gag.”
“Oh, my! Pleased to meet you, Chusty. Say, you look like something outta one of those cartoon pictures!”
“In the furry flesh! You should get a load of the planet I'm from. Talk about the punchline of the galaxy!”
“Wow! You’re from another planet?”
“Where else? Detroit?”
“I see. One question. What can you do for my friend Bart here lying on the ground, with a face looking like he had a bit too much off the tap! Will he be alright?”
“Sure. Sure. He’ll be up and about in no time flat. Though, I’m sure he’s not gonna be in the mood to speak with anyone for quite a long time!”
“If he doesn’t lose his mind when I tell him who was stuck inside him!”
“Ha! Makes me laugh every time! It’s what I do best. I didn’t come all the way over here from R Phoenicis to wind up in the city dog pound!”
“Well, you certainly look like one. I even thought about taking you home and giving you a flea and tick collar. But I’d hate to see what kind of fleas the likes of you would have!”
“Nah, I'm used to 'em. They come with the territory. Can't shake 'em loose, even hopping around every star and thru-space corridor. Just give 'em a good scratch, I say!”
“Say, now. I think I'm getting an itch!”
“Hm. Looks like I’ll soon need a bath. Got rather mangy after being cooped up inside your buddy there all day. By the way, friend, even fleas need a good laugh. Wherever the fleas go, so does the funny bone, spreading amid the galaxy from this way to Sunday!”
“The funny bone, eh? How do you figure?”
“Cuz they breed like they're goin' outta style, turning everyone they bite into the likes of me!”
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Special thanks to Ian Nol for edits and suggestions.
Please check out the rest of my short stories on Substack: Robert Garron's Substack